


more shit

by werewolfe



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-14
Updated: 2018-12-14
Packaged: 2019-09-18 00:48:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16984953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/werewolfe/pseuds/werewolfe
Summary: yo this is actual garbage. this vent writing thing is doing wonders for my mental state tho





	more shit

**Author's Note:**

> got away from me a bit. this ones literally just selfindulgent shit, basically no plot whatsoever. just how i feel, what i want, but its unhealthy, like everything i write/think. im well aware.one day im probably gonna delete all this shit and hate myself for being so honest, especially if anyone important sees it, mate, id fuckin die. i shouldnt be acting so stupid at 21. who gives a fuck, right now at least. ride it out  
> didn't fix this in post at all btw, slashes mean italics

he cant sleep. theres always an excuse. its too quiet, or too loud, or hes too distracted. he doesnt even try anymore, just crashes when hes too exhausted to stay awake - never had much self-discipline. the tv glares back at him like a dare. he cant tell if its daring him to keep watching or to stop. its getting to that point, around 5am, where if he gave enough of a shit maybe he could do it, crash. couple more hours and its near unavoidable. hes not an insomniac, he doesnt think. hes been this way for a while, at least since he started staring into screens all night. fuck, before that. it used to be books. active brain, he guesses. worst when hes stressed, which is often lately. agitated. no particular reason, just done with everything. playing nice, even when he doesn't fucking want to, to spare people's feelings. playing. its a character. everything he is is a lie. he hates it when he gets like this. he pauses what hes watching, turns off the tv and just stares at the ceiling for a while, trying to think about good shit and instead getting bombarded by memories, shit he did or said, yesterday, last month, 3 years ago. its bullshit, and it doesnt even matter, and yet he cannot rest. stuck on it, like hes stuck in everything else. these flashbacks just keep hitting him, yknow? outta nowhere. something as simple as a brief, uncomfortable encounter stays with him forever, fucking with his brain over and over again, and he always feels the need to apologize. but its not like hes apologizing to them, yknow, whoever else was involved, who gives a shit - but to himself. like his past self is apologizing to his current self for betraying him or disappointing him or something. its so fucked. a shrink would have a field day, picking his brain. hed be their goddamn wet dream. his phone buzzes. when it doesnt stop, he reaches for it, checks the caller id. ian. shit, whats he doing awake? "hey, man." ian sounds like hes still mostly asleep when he responds. "hey.. wait, fuck, did i wake u up?" joji reins in the urge to laugh. "nah, ur good. whats up?"  
"uhh... fuck, idk, i just had this.. fuckin dream. freaked me out. u were, um.. u were drowning, and i was stuck, couldnt do anything, and u were calling out and... yea, fuck, it was bad. had this urge to make sure u were okay... fuckin dumb, i know." joji blinks at the black, not sure how to respond to that. "um.. fuck. i mean, damn, thats.. thats shit. sorry u had to go thru that," he stammers out. the thing is, ian does this thing sometimes where its like he just.. knows. some weird psychic shit that joji cant explain, not logistically, not rationally. hed say coincidence, but shit man, theyre past that. he just always fuckin /knows/. like he feels it too. but not coz its jojis shit, not ians. it makes him feel exposed, vulnerable. but its good too, coz then joji doesnt actually have to tell him first. he can avoid it a little longer. the confrontation still sucks tho. he braces for it. "yeah, it was pretty awful... but like, are u? okay?" joji sighs. "uhh.. yeah? ish? um. kinda. just thoughts, yknow?" ian hums, then he goes quiet, like he's waiting for him to continue. ".. just. just shit, yknow? like... i just feel sorta.. shit. everythings a lot right now.. im just feeling overwhelmed, im alright tho... howve u been doing?" ian pauses before speaking. "well, ive been feeling the same, pretty much. like somethings wrong, and ive been stressed and irritated and tired and overloaded, and ive hardly been getting any sleep at all. but the thing is, none of its mine." joji stays silent, jaw tense, rubs his forehead. he doesnt fucking know what to say. hes sorry. "and that's okay, yknow? i feel a lot of shit all the time that i don't understand, that doesnt make any sense to me at fucking all coz it doesn't come from me. it all comes from everyone else, and thats just a thing that happens to me, and im better at dealing with it now, had a lot of practice compartmentalizing. but ur.. for some fucking reason, ur shit floods straight into my brain. and i wanted to wait, yknow, just in case u weren't ready, but the longer it goes on the more it feels like ur fucking suffering and i cant take that. not coz of how it effects me, in an empath kinda way, but coz it.. honestly, it scares the shit out of me, joji. no one should fuckin feel that bad and not talk about it. coz ive told u so many times that its OKAY, yknow, its perfectly fucking fine, that u can tell me fuckin anything and i'll just listen, if thats what u want, and im not gonna judge u, man. maybe i dont understand on like a personal, ive been thru it kinda level, but i know, and u know, that's its not who u are. its a part of u, a big one, but ur not fucking crazy, ur not an asshole, ur not a neurotic, manipulative cunt. ur disorder is. and u do a good fucking job of internalizing all that shit and not taking it out on anyone and as great as that is, and im so proud of u for that coz its hard, its really fucking hard and i know that coz i can fucking /feel/ it, how taxing it is, to be in constant fucking control, and im not trying to be patronizing, i fucking /mean/ it... joji, its killing u. and uv gotta talk to me. i wish u didnt feel like u have to manage everything on ur own. ur not a martyr. u dont have to suffer all the damn time, even when u want to, or feel like u need to, or u deserve to or some fucked shit, its not good for u. it makes it worse. it sends u down into this place where everything is hopeless and awful and fucking miserable and if ud just let me help u.. fuck, i just wanna help u. not fix u, just alleviate it, all the shit u deal with every day, just ease it. it doesnt make u weak. it doesnt make u a pussy, u dumb cunt. and it really, /definitely/, doesnt make u a bad boyfriend. just.. talk to me, okay? coz i feel it. and in that way, at least, i understand. it doesnt matter if i already know, thats not the point, its for u. so u can get it off ur chest and out of ur system and u can clear ur head and just let go of that /weight/. no ones asking u to carry the fucking earth on ur shoulders, yknow. u dont fucking have to... please just let me fucking help u, joji.."  
jojis crying. couldnt stop it from happening. hes trying his best to be silent, and he doesn't think ians noticed yet but.. fuck. no ones ever.. just fucking.. said anything like that at all. said exactly what he needed to hear, reached down into his fucking soul and understood him so well. even ian. hes never just flat out told him anything so true before. he mustve really been hurting him. he mustve been able to feel fucking /everything/, all of it. for how long?  
"joji?" ian says, quiet, like hes nervous. joji sobs. "im so fucking sorry, i didnt mean to- i didnt know u could- im fucking-"  
"dont. stop that. that's not why i called, not why i told u. tell me. just tell me. i fucking care about u, i fucking love u, just tell me." the words start flooding out of joji like he has no control over it. "i feel like a monster. i feel like a useless fucking monster, im so awful to everyone all the time- no matter how hard i try to hold it back and to do what i know im supposed to, nothing fucking- it doesnt work right, and im always gonna be this way, and im always gonna drag everyone down with me, and i cant fix it, no one can, im stuck this way, for the rest of my fucking life im gonna be this useless vile cunt, and i cant stop it, i can't control it, i dont know how to do anything, im not fucking enough, im not good enough, im not even fucking competent, im fucking retarded, and theres no way to make this stop, and im barely coping and i just feel so fucking /guilty/, all the time, like im ruining everything and everyone around me, and im never gonna make u happy coz ur always gonna have my fucking bullshit weighing u down, and i dont wanna be a burden anymore, i wish i could be better for u, except for when i just dont care about anything and i want to hate everyone for caring about me so much that they just wont let me fucking /go/ like i want them to so badly, god i wish ud let me go so it could all be over and i could just be by myself where no one knows me and theres no one for me to fuck up, to destroy, to ruin. u deserve better. u deserve so much better, ian. im so sorry. im so fucking sorry." he just curls up and /sobs/ for a long time after that, really feeling like hes fucking /drowning/ in how he cant breathe and everything's pushing down around him, forcing him under and all he can taste is salty water. and ian just talks, keeps talking, reassuring and calming and loving and fucking everything joji needs. he didnt realize he felt so /bad/ until someone told him. this is normal for him, he represses it, ignores it. just sometimes it all bubbles to the suface and he cant anymore, and ian just fucking pulled it all out of him, all at once, everything, so much that he cant possibly say it all, cant find the words. but thats okay, coz ian gets it, he understands. fuck, he understands. he talks him down, stays with him, even if its just over the phone, until he starts to feel stable again.  
the regret sets in /fast/ this time. almost immediately, hes beating himself up for ever opening his stupid fucking mouth, now ians just gonna worry. shit. fuck.  
"u alright?" ian asks, quiet. joji doesnt need to tell him it's a stupid question, and ian doesnt need to explain what he means. they know. "..im-" joji doesnt say it. decides its probably best to not say anything. ian sighs. "fuck, i miss u. i need to see u, its so hard to do this over the phone. i just wanna fucking hug u. be there and fucking /show/ u that i love the fucking shit outta u and i wanna make sure u know, yknow? that u dont scare me. it scares me sometimes to think about what u hide from me, and what it means. im more terrified than ever when u shut me out, coz i know what that means. and i cant imagine the fucking /thoughts/ u must have. i can't read ur mind joji. i can feel what u feel, sometimes, and i can interpret that the best i can, but the real shit? i just dont know and it really worries me sometimes... i know ur trying. i know how much u try every day, just to trust me, to let me love u. i appreciate it, more than u know. it just seems like u dont know, sometimes, just how badly it all affects u. the dark shit. the pain i feel thru u, secondhand, is so much. and its not fucking fair on u, any of it, and its even worse that u feel u can't release any of it. coz yea, it scares me to think ur hurting, and it scares me to know whats causing it, and it scares me to truly see the depths of it, but yknow whats worse? not knowing. watching u disappear and not fucking knowing why. wondering if ur okay, how bad is it, are u gotta shut me out for good? its so, so terrifying, and its a relief when ur honest with me. coz then i know. then i know ur not going thru this shit alone. coz thats fucked, joji. please dont keep doing that to urself, okay? and yeah, this is a messy situation, and theres so much uncertainty, but i can fucking promise u, /PROMISE u/, okay? that im not going fucking anywhere, and i dont want to. so please, please, im fucking begging u, dont shut me out. i love u so much joji, please dont fucking do that to me okay? .. look, i wanna see u, really fuckin bad. i miss u so much. im gonna fly over to see u tomorrow, okay, dunno when i'll get there, but i'll be there as soon as i can. we can take as long as u need to talk thru this, or whatever u need. im here for u, babe. one hundred percent. i promise." he feels so vulnerable, but the words mean a lot to him. he needs to remind himself that he loves ian, he trusts ian, and hes telling the truth because he wouldn't lie. he has no reason to. hes proved it time and time again, theres no logical reason to wig out on him. he bites back all the harsh, doubting things he wants to say, sighing. "yeah, that... that sounds nice.. love u, ian." ian sighs, relieved. "i fucking love u too, george," he tells him, and he means it. joji knows he means it.  
they talk for a while longer, about not much of anything, just what they've been up to, random shit. like nothing's changed. its nice. the next morning, he doesnt remember hanging up. he mustve fallen asleep on the phone. he smiles, feeling well rested. hes still scared, but he tries to ignore it focus on the thought of seeing ians dumb face after so long. he opens his phone to a text from ian, saying hes booked his flight and he'll be there as soon as possible. he thinks a lot, in the wait. about how lucky he is, about the good memories, how pretty everything is. he feels energized. he picks him up at the airport, and the moment he sees him, everything gets easier. its simple. he missed him, he loves him, and he never wants him to leave again. ian hugs back twice as hard, his sigh draining all tension from him. "fuck, its good to see u." joji hums agreement. he thinks maybe his life isnt so bad. they talk it out, everything. he let's ian hold him when he cries, doesn't turn away, doesnt shut him out, and he /knows/ its gonna suck later, the regret, the trust crisis, all the bullshit but right now he doesnt fucking /care/, he just missed him, and he appreciates him and he /loves/ him so much and hes sick of talking himself out of it. he wants this, and ian gets it, he knows one hundred percent what he got himself into, joji was totally upfront about his disorder and ian did the research and he explained what it means for him and theyve been thru that, he doesnt need to convince him of anything, and hes tired of the back and forth bullshit. he wants to fix it, he wants to be better, and maybe medication is the best way to do that. sure, he'll miss the highs of his rapid mood swings, but he thinks overall he'll be happier. and of course, so will ian, knowing hes not just gonna bail over some internal bullshit. he's gonna talk to his shrink about it, they'll work shit out. its time. he just doesn't wanna be afraid anymore, and they cant work on fixing his internal issues until hes somewhat stable emotionally, yknow? hes scared, but hes always scared, hes just gotta push thru this, work thru it. he turns to ian, and ian smiles at him, bright and happy, cuddles closer. theyre gonna be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> wow, how cute, what lovely boys. what a load of shit. i fucking hate myself so much. sucks being self-aware and still having no self control. someone stop me from posting this shit


End file.
